Life As A Tube
Currently being forced to take a break from workouts due to a nasty (and persistent) head cold. So, I’m spending some time introspecting on the path that got me to the point where I would even contemplate doing a 100 push up challenge.
I was reflecting on what it was like to be morbidly obese. I was trying to get a feel for what it felt like to be nearly 400 pounds. I was surprised to realize that the more I thought about how my body felt back then, the less I could recall. It was very difficult to bring up any body-sensations from that point in my life.
Thinking more abut my routines from those days it hit me. I pretty much lived my life from the jaw up, and disregarded the rest of my body. My life was a routing of TV watching, eating, sleeping, eating, day dreaming, eating, being shuttled to the game store for role-playing game playing, and more eating. I was fundamentally only aware of the sensations that occurred in my brain and on the front of my face. My body had essentially been forgotten. The only things that got through were aches and pains, and even those were mostly suppressed.
Even hunger was a stranger as I had become habituated to eating whenever I was bored or idle. When friends would ask if I was hungry, I really didn’t know based on how my body felt. I had to calculate in my mind vaguely how much time had passed since my last feeding, and pretty much always gave up in favor for saying, “Yes.”
Over the years as I exercised I became more aware of my body, again mostly as a consequence of aches and pains, but this time from strain due to exercise rather than couch sores. Through the practice of T’ai Chi I was required to become more mindful of my body. The whole process was fairly sub-conscious. Being mindful of my body kind of snuck up on me as a result of moving it more.
Today I make a mindful body-scan a regular habit. When the question come up of whether I am hungry (from an external source or internal) I actually take a moment to check in. I also have a routine of 10 minutes of stretching exercises every morning to warm up before I meditate and this allows me to take stock of my physical condition and anything I need to look out for for the day.
Slowly I have grown from being a feeding tube which spoke to a whole body which speaks. 
I cannot tell how much a conscious practice of body mindfulness would have benefited me from the get go in my battle with morbid obesity, but I have a strong suspicion that it would have proven very useful, even while being emotionally challenging. (After all, there were deep core emotional reasons for why I denied the existence of my body in the first place.) It’s somewhat poetic that the very thing that drove me to ignore my own body made it large enough that other people would have a hard time ignoring it. In retrospect I can see that I was calling for attention to my body from the outside while denying myself that luxury.
Looking back at where I was, where I am now, and what it took in between I would not hesitate a second to recommend a simple mindfulness practice to anyone dealing with a physical ailment.
Peace!
2 Responses to “Life As A Tube”
Comment from Travis
Time November 8, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Thanks for the heads up. I am more than familiar with life’s tendency to make things come and go. I’ll be here.
Best of luck with the new gig!
It’s an old adage that taking time for a wholeness practice (fitness, mindfulness, introspection, extrospection, spiritual contemplation, etc.) makes more time in life. It’s old because it happens to be true, but I often lose sight of that. One of those things that returning to always makes me go “Duh! I knew that!” Yet, somehow I can always manage to forget it. Definitely a big pattern in my life.
Cheers, and thanks for the comment.
Comment from April Belle
Time November 8, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Travis, this was AWESOME! It makes me rethink my dedication to my meditaion practice (which involves some tai chi type movement before the sitting part). I have felt some direct correspondence with my body feeling more peaceful and my mind slowing down.
Too often, with work and family, I let this practice go by the wayside. You’ve reminded me how important it is to honor this gift from my spiritual teacher.
(p.s. now that I’m working almost full time, my visits will be a bit more scattered… trying to find personal time with an almost 4 year old and a job is ridiculous! I’ll be around though…)